Santa’s Downfall

Christmas Eve arrived and a
Grumpy Santa set out sail
With reindeer up ahead of him
Lashed in face by Rudolph’s tail

The night was wet, not frosty
No Christmas snow in sight
Yet a hurricane blew a hooley
And lightning added fright 

His sleigh skid-landed on a roof top
A tile dislodged and hit
The cat below right on the head
And knocked it out – “oh sh**!”

He scoured the roof for chimneys
But from them emitted smoke
“For god’s sake,” said Grumpy Santa
“I’ll burn! Is that a joke!”

He lost his footing briefly
And tripped and fell right down
Clinging to a gutter
Before slip-sliding to the ground

Now he really wasn’t happy!
Wet, bruised and lashed in face
He scoured the house for a way in
With little love and little grace 

Finally, he found the cat flap
Squeezed through it with magic dust
As Rudolph watched quite gobsmacked and 
A squashed mouse squealed “Ouch – I’m crushed!” 

Then Santa stomped towards the living room
Quite frustrated to the core
Before getting caught up in some tinsel
That was draped across a door

“Stuff and bother! What a Christmas!”
He huffed and puffed annoyed
“Why can’t the elves do this instead?”
“I’m too old to post these toys”

And fed up, soaked, and frazzled
He chucked the presents neath the tree
Then stepped back and trod on the mince pies 
That had been left there for his tea!

“Oh blast” he cried flopped in a chair
“I’m done doing as I’m told”
And with that he glugged a whiskey 
To warm him from the cold!

“Just another little dram” he mused 
Before glugging more and more
Until when he tried to get up again 
He fell right on the floor

And there he lay in drunken state
Forgetting he should go
So in the morn he was still there
With quite a hungover glow!

The children came rushing downstairs
And screamed at what they saw!
With tinsel torn, trod-in mince pies 
Greeted by Santa’s snore!

Alarms were raised and cops arrived
Arresting the old man
Handcuffing him, dragging him out
To be thrown in a nee-naw van

And that is how Santa was charged 
With breaking in and disarray
So that now when you wake up 
He won’t have been on Christmas Day

For he is serving time instead
His DBS has all expired
And Rudolph lives in London Zoo
Quite happy and retired!

And the mouse? Have you forgotten him
Well he took his chance that night
And now commands a brand-new sleigh
Drawn by cats for the Christmas flight

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Advertisement

Press Release 😂

Christmas Food Fight

“Move over,” said the sprout aloud
To the fare on Christmas Day
“For throughout the year I watch you all
In your very grand displays
And have to sit awaiting for
My turn to be the best
But wait I do with no complaint
For at least I can attest
To being the nation’s favourite
When it comes to this festivity
For like or hate me as they do
Few dare to exclude me!”

“Oh, get a life!” the Turkey groaned
“You silly Nobby green.
For it is as clear as clear can be
That I reign all supreme
At Christmas time for everyone
Knows on that day, I beat
Hands down beef, pork, lamb, goose and duck
As well as chicken meat!
For its not you but I’m the choice
At the nation’s Christmas feast
Yes, me, the Turkey, King of Meats,
Beats all other fowl and beast!”

“Now hang on,” a chestnut then piped in
“For though you may be king
Dear Turkey, and you may be picked
Dear Sprout, you small green thing!
I think you’ll find that it is me
Who most associate
With Christmas tidings every year
For I can celebrate
All roasty, come out of shell,
Appear as stuffing too
Be sweet or savoury as you know
So, beat the pair of you!”

And with that such a fight kicked off
Commotion in the larder store
As other foodstuffs pitched right in
Demanding they meant more
Yet hidden somewhere out of view
All quietly in his tin
Without vying to be the best
No arrogance or din
A little chap with starry hat
And sumptuous filled up case
Sat knowing in his heart that he,
Mince Pie, was worth first place!

For Christmas comes but once a year
And with it goodies abound
Chocolates, wine, sweets and savouries
In plenty are then found
Yet Mince Pie didn’t feel the need
To state his place for he
Knew Christmas was much more than that
And most importantly
He knew that it was more about
Each one playing his part
To bring about the festive spread
Be each a veg, nut meat or tart!

With thanks to https://www.instagram.com/p/BcuFJ0MnuQ0/?taken-by=beckyp312 – all rights reserved to original photographer

Christmas Crisis

It’s understood this Christmas, that Santa has a prob!
For his pole is all a-melting and the sleigh won’t do its job
For without a solid runway, the reindeer will not be
Able to get the run they need to take off easily

Well it’s causing a commotion and it’s putting on a strain
For whilst making his red-nose brighter, Rudolf plugged into the mains
And used up precious fossil fuels in his attempts at vanity
Which all the other reindeer say, is a waste of energy

But in truth they are no better for it is a well-known fact
That Dasher, Dancer and Prancer were all in on the act
And Vixen, Comet and Cupid have been seen, so it is said,
Racing about in their fast cars and painting the town red

Whilst Donner and dear Blixem have sheltered from the storms
By chopping up the forests to keep themselves all warm
And the Elves too have been busy a-stoking up their fires
In their workshops as they make the toys for children to admire

So now Santa’s in a quandary, a-worrying ‘bout what he’ll do
Stomping around his grotto and getting in a stew
For the question that he’s pondering, is what if he can’t get
Out with the sleigh on Christmas night causing a huge upset!

“Oh deary me,” he falters, with heavy salty tears
That dribble down his rosy cheeks and dampen Christmas cheer
“For no-one ever listens when you tell them what will be”
He sighs so very loudly, now not feeling Christmassy!

For in fairness, he has no answers despite pulling on his beard
For it’s bad, as bad as it can get, much as he’d always feared
And so it seems this Christmas, the only hope a float
Is that Santa’s elves get busy and build him a magic boat!

Christmas Limbo

We’re in the Chrimbo limbo
And don’t know what to do
Three days between festivities
That leave us in a stew
For nothing is quite normal
Yet neither is it odd
Just some how out of sorts m’thinks
Before we give a nod
To the new year approaching
And then if all goes well
Nothing will be the same again
As on old Lang Syne’s bell
We’ll herald in a new year
And with it a new me
With promises we’ll never keep
At least past January
By which time we’ll be saying
“How fast the time now goes”
Wishing away the wetter months
Perhaps slipping in snow
And yearning for the summer
The hotter days of fun
Until we limber up again
In the Christmas home run
So for now in Christmas limbo
Not knowing what to do
Perhaps just chill, enjoy the ride
And raise a glass or two!

Happy New Year!

Bill, The Christmas Grasshopper

I spy a Christmas grasshopper
Confused as he can be
A-scratching wing in yuletide song
Though still undoubtedly
A little out of sorts m’thinks
For this is all so new
The Christmas sights and sounds and smells
Giving a festive clue

For surely one would not expect
This chap to sing per se
Believing he would not survive
The colder winter day
Yet now the days are warmer
The Earth is not so cold
This little chap is still alive
And feeling rather bold

And filled with Christmas spirit
He’s out to get his fill
And challenge Rudolph for his job
“For certain sure,” says Bill
“That when the polar caps all melt
They’ll be no other way
As Santa won’t be able to
Use Rudolph with his sleigh!”

Yet does anyone listen?
Sit up and take a note
As Bill shouts out to one and all
“Santa will need a boat”
And maybe oars and paddles
For sure, wellies as well
For whilst Bill sings Merry Christmas
He peels a warning bell

So I spy Christmas grasshopper
Confused as he can be
A-scratching wing in yuletide song
Though still undoubtedly
A little out of sorts m’thinks
For this is all so new
The Christmas sights and sounds and smells
Giving a festive clue

 

Christmas in Cambridge (Haiku)

Christmas in Cambridge
Where Santa will swap his sleigh
For a bicycle

Have A Heart This Christmas

Have a heart this Christmas
And share it with the rest
With kindness, empathy and care
Enduring to give your best

And spare a thought, a moment
For others unlike you
Who are struggling with this season and
Who feel a little blue

And in line with festive spirit
Reach out the hand to them
Of love, compassion, hope and grace
The star of Bethlehem

Monty and Kitten Christmas Capers

 

He thought he’d be a shining star
Of bright and brilliant light
A ball of silvered ‘tabbiness’
That dark Christmas Eve night
And have some fun for after all
What trouble could unfold?
If he played with those glistening things
Forget what he’d been told

And so he climbed the Christmas tree
And pounced from branch to branch
He chased the tinsel round and round
And took no second chance
In pulling each and every light
Each bauble and snowflake
Onto the floor to catch each one
In playful big mistake

Then all at once he heard a crash
A puff of smoke and coal
Emerge from down the chimney stack
Where fire had been near hole
And there a man in red stood huge
With ruddied cheek and nose
And white long beard drape past his tum
Reaching down to his toes

“Well deary me” he said out loud
“What a fine mess you’ve made
Where should I leave this bag of things?
You’ve rained on my parade!
You naughty little kitten – well!
What are we gonna do
I’m all confused now – quite perplexed
And really in a stew”

“For I’m supposed to leave these gifts
Neath the bright lit up tree
But you’ve destroyed it well and good
Oh woe – oh woe is me!
For I’ve no time to fix this mess
With all the world to greet
This Christmas Eve – dear kitty-cat
It’s really quite a feat”

And Monty sat there all abashed
With tail dropped very low
Surveying all the chaos for
He’d really wrecked the show!
As Santa sat in floods of tears
In sheer despondency
That he would not be able to
Leave presents ‘neath the tree

But in instant; in a flash
Into the hearth appeared
An angel dressed in fairy wings
Uttering ‘Merlin’s beard!’
‘What’s going on here?” She  inquired
“Come Santa eat this pie
And sip your brandy – my old chum
There is no need to cry”

She summoned up a host of help
With magic fairy dew
And in seconds all the mess was gone
As tree looked just like new
And Santa smiled, the Angel winked
As kitten lapped the cream
Thinking that when he woke next day
This would be all a dream

And so next morning as sun rose
And church bells peeled in sky
The children ran down to the lounge
Excitement running high
To see if Santa had been there
Had left them gifts and more
Neath Christmas tree with Yuletide joy
All scattered on the floor

And just as hoped near festive hearth
With carols ringing out
The children’s hopes and dreams came true
As presents lay about
And midst them in their very depths
Dear Monty woke as well
With speck of cream dried on his nose
But not a soul he’d tell!

Winter Sheep

Sheep frozen in the field
In garb of frosted blankets
Atop pensive stilts
Standing in chilled silence
Waiting for Christmas Angels
And a shepherd
To guide them home