Santa’s Downfall

Christmas Eve arrived and a
Grumpy Santa set out sail
With reindeer up ahead of him
Lashed in face by Rudolph’s tail

The night was wet, not frosty
No Christmas snow in sight
Yet a hurricane blew a hooley
And lightning added fright 

His sleigh skid-landed on a roof top
A tile dislodged and hit
The cat below right on the head
And knocked it out – “oh sh**!”

He scoured the roof for chimneys
But from them emitted smoke
“For god’s sake,” said Grumpy Santa
“I’ll burn! Is that a joke!”

He lost his footing briefly
And tripped and fell right down
Clinging to a gutter
Before slip-sliding to the ground

Now he really wasn’t happy!
Wet, bruised and lashed in face
He scoured the house for a way in
With little love and little grace 

Finally, he found the cat flap
Squeezed through it with magic dust
As Rudolph watched quite gobsmacked and 
A squashed mouse squealed “Ouch – I’m crushed!” 

Then Santa stomped towards the living room
Quite frustrated to the core
Before getting caught up in some tinsel
That was draped across a door

“Stuff and bother! What a Christmas!”
He huffed and puffed annoyed
“Why can’t the elves do this instead?”
“I’m too old to post these toys”

And fed up, soaked, and frazzled
He chucked the presents neath the tree
Then stepped back and trod on the mince pies 
That had been left there for his tea!

“Oh blast” he cried flopped in a chair
“I’m done doing as I’m told”
And with that he glugged a whiskey 
To warm him from the cold!

“Just another little dram” he mused 
Before glugging more and more
Until when he tried to get up again 
He fell right on the floor

And there he lay in drunken state
Forgetting he should go
So in the morn he was still there
With quite a hungover glow!

The children came rushing downstairs
And screamed at what they saw!
With tinsel torn, trod-in mince pies 
Greeted by Santa’s snore!

Alarms were raised and cops arrived
Arresting the old man
Handcuffing him, dragging him out
To be thrown in a nee-naw van

And that is how Santa was charged 
With breaking in and disarray
So that now when you wake up 
He won’t have been on Christmas Day

For he is serving time instead
His DBS has all expired
And Rudolph lives in London Zoo
Quite happy and retired!

And the mouse? Have you forgotten him
Well he took his chance that night
And now commands a brand-new sleigh
Drawn by cats for the Christmas flight

Merry Christmas to one and all!

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Christmas Crisis

It’s understood this Christmas, that Santa has a prob!
For his pole is all a-melting and the sleigh won’t do its job
For without a solid runway, the reindeer will not be
Able to get the run they need to take off easily

Well it’s causing a commotion and it’s putting on a strain
For whilst making his red-nose brighter, Rudolf plugged into the mains
And used up precious fossil fuels in his attempts at vanity
Which all the other reindeer say, is a waste of energy

But in truth they are no better for it is a well-known fact
That Dasher, Dancer and Prancer were all in on the act
And Vixen, Comet and Cupid have been seen, so it is said,
Racing about in their fast cars and painting the town red

Whilst Donner and dear Blixem have sheltered from the storms
By chopping up the forests to keep themselves all warm
And the Elves too have been busy a-stoking up their fires
In their workshops as they make the toys for children to admire

So now Santa’s in a quandary, a-worrying ‘bout what he’ll do
Stomping around his grotto and getting in a stew
For the question that he’s pondering, is what if he can’t get
Out with the sleigh on Christmas night causing a huge upset!

“Oh deary me,” he falters, with heavy salty tears
That dribble down his rosy cheeks and dampen Christmas cheer
“For no-one ever listens when you tell them what will be”
He sighs so very loudly, now not feeling Christmassy!

For in fairness, he has no answers despite pulling on his beard
For it’s bad, as bad as it can get, much as he’d always feared
And so it seems this Christmas, the only hope a float
Is that Santa’s elves get busy and build him a magic boat!

Rudolf’s In Such Trouble

Rudolf’s in such trouble
He’s been so very bad
He took a sleigh out by himself
And now Santa’s real sad

He thought he’d have a jolly
A little bit of fun
For it is said an Elf dared him
To go out for a run

They’d had their Christmas party
And all had gone to bed
Bar Rudolf and the naughty Elf
Who went outside instead!

They both were a bit tipsy
From all the Christmas punch
So thought they’d hop aboard the sleigh
Said they’d be back for lunch

But then disaster happened
For out near the North Pole
They crashed the sleigh and wrecked it
As they lost all control

And so shamefaced they walked back
To Santa who was cross
Who sent them to their quarters
With nowt but reindeer moss

For he was very angry
Disappointed and dismayed
That Rudolf could have been so bad
Why on earth had he strayed?

So Santa sat and thought long
He ummed and he then arghed
For driving drunk the famous sleigh
Meant he must now be hard

He loved Rudolf so dearly
But he had gone too far
For he had risked the Christmas Flight
Round world past Northern Star

He’d put all children’s wishes
On hold just for a dare
And Santa knew his punishment
Must match the crime; be fair

And so he summoned Rudolf
To go before his court
Where sentence was then handed down
Leaving Rudolf distraught

For he was told his actions
Had been so very poor
That he would not be on the Sleigh
That Christmastime for sure

Oh Rudolf wailed and wobbled
His bottom lip and cried
Why had he been so silly
To have this ride denied

But despite his protestations
The court would not be moved
For Rudolf had to stay at home
Until he had improved

And so on Christmas Eve
He’ll not be out that night
Drawing Santa upon his Sleigh
With red nose shining bright

Instead he’ll have to stay at home
His Christmas fun deprived
For it is not acceptable
To ever drink and drive!

By Jon Nickles (U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Santa’s Wish List

Have you ever stopped and wondered
That Santa might get bored
Of mince pies, port, brandy and wine
When he is all aboard
His laden frosty sleigh
Out there on Christmas Eve
Away from elves and family
That he might make believe
Of lists of gifts he’d really love
The things he’d like the best
If Father Christmas came to him
And gave him a days rest?

Have you ever thought what he’d ask for
Things that would bring a smile
To Santa’s face if he was graced
With time off once a while
For perhaps he’d ask for vodka
Or even Christmas cake
Maybe a festive sweater
Scarf, socks or garden rake
Or maybe a new reindeer
A friend to help Rudolf
Or possibly clubs and new balls
For North Polonian Golf

But in truth I think he’d ask for
More peace and harmony
A planet that knew only love
And true equality
A place where guns lay silent
Where all would be as one
With lighter hearts and wonder bright
Where each would get along
Where poverty was ended
Where all water was clean
Where jealousy diminished
Leaving grass so very green

And so on Christmas Eve
When children go to bed
Perhaps it’s time to think again
When man all dressed in red
Pops down your chimney quickly
To fill stockings by tree
For he who makes a difference
Will inspire each to surely
Help Santa have his wish list
Past mince pies on his way
To give the gifts he craves the most
Kindness this Christmas Day

Father Christmas (1991 film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)